This is the first part of my entry for today. I just have to write this stuff down so it will get out of my head & I can take a nap....
I've just finished my first test of our Introduction to Disease Block (the first test of the second semester of medical school, over the curriculum that our M2s did last semester). I have never been so physically exhausted from a test. I studied my entire weekend away, which is normal pre-test but I feel like I haven't studied as hard before...I studied at least 12 hours on Saturday and Sunday each and only slept/ate food the rest of the time. literally. I think the difference this weekend was that we have sooo much more material. About 33 lectures on this test of general, thick slides...last semester I would be able to review information three or four times before a test at least. This time it was more like two or three times. And not because I slacked off, I mean I got dumped, sick twice, and spent a night with a friend in the ER and still managed to go over all my material and stay up-to-date every day.
But it's over.
I'm just so glad it's over. Talking to one of my roomies, she exclaimed that she couldnt imagine being in a relationship at the same time as studying for this test. Which I'm sure is exactly what the boy was thinking....I mean now that I have a feel for the rigors of his curriculum AND throwing Step 1 studying on top of that. That's quite literally why he has been studying himself into the ground. I've seen him studying from 8am-1am, studying through lunch and dinner. Intense.
So I understand. I understand that school comes first, that this is what we all worked soo hard to get into and are working soooooooo much harder to do. I'm in the same boat. I'm just scared that its never going to get easier, then when do you have time for anything else?
But I know, sometime I will. Just not now. In clinical rotations, your quality of life gets better, so I've heard. So for now, this is what I have to deal with. We are all working for long-term fulfillment, not short-term happiness. Delayed gratification.
I think I am just lonely. I'm kinda used to having someone around. I like hanging out with myself but I thought I could balance being with myself and in a relationship pretty well. But things are at a whole different level now. I HAVE to be selfish. I HAVE to work for nothing else than my goal of getting an MD. At least until 3rd year...because thats what its going to take to succeed.
I'm sure thats what he realized too. Thats why this is messy. He knew it was for the best but was still sad about breaking it off. He still likes me. I still like him. But he doesn't want to half-*** it because it wouldnt be fair to either of us. And I agree. It's just bad timing.
And so I'll be a fool and keep liking him (I tried to stop, it didn't work). And I won't date anyone else during medical school. At least not till third year. It's hard because I'm such a loving person. I have this need to hug. But I'll have to focus on my roomies for that. And hanging out with friends. And maybe getting a dog. (Claudia gets lots of hugs)
---And maybe things would be different if it was the right guy. Or maybe it is just the timing thing. It just needs to be the right time. Either way i'm physically, intellectually, and emotionally tired. So, I'm going to take a nap. Then I'll report back on baking & shopping & "flavor tripping". Night
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