1am scramblings

It's 1:05am and I'm lying in bed, very happy with life.

This is new.
Where I'm at in life is new (i know its always changing) but
The way I think is new.

I'm not quite sure when it occurred but sometime after the breakup, after having a bad January, I had a wonderful February (And today is officially the last day in this February!) ...and now I think all about me. I think about what I want. what my future is. what i want to do. it's a very new way of thinking for me.
But i'm loving it. I'm doing things that I've want but to a whole new level. I am sooo independent and confident. I am learning my limits but also who I really am. I know what I'm capable of in medical school but also what my strengths are as a person, outside of class. I'm also learning what I really want. which is strange when you thought you knew what you wanted all along. I used to have this idea of my mentality, of my personality that has lately proven to be different than what I really act on. interesting.

I know that was all very abstract because you (who ever you are) are not me. but this week was fantastic.

Monday- test + Shutter Island
Tuesday- party from 12am-4ish am. slept in. SNOW! colorful pancakes.
Wednesday- class from 10-3pm. some other stuff. baked cupcakes?
Thursday- class 9-noon. Dinner at Dr Gastels' house = incredible food! salsa dancing. period.
Friday- class 10-noon (turned off my alarm in my sleep & missed the 9am). Houston!= shopping, eating, more eating, lots of laughing, midnight driving.
Saturday- slept in till 10am. Went to the grocery store wearing yellow heels. Volunteered with CMSA to give free eye exams. Baked Jessica's red velvet bday cake. Grilled hotdogs/veggies with the girls. Ate cake. Went to the movies with my ex. date style.

But here's the best part. I'm not expecting anything. from anyone. The possibilities are endless about what could happen tomorrow. and i can do anything. I could get up and go to Houston. or Austin. I could go study all day and end up as a pediatric surgeon. I could eat cake for breakfast. I could meet the love of my life. I could adopt a dog. I could break a leg. ....there are possibilities i can't even think of.
And tonight with him was fun. And while I gave up long ago trying to figure him out, I am happy with tonight. If nothing more happens then that would alright. I'm happy for just hanging out tonight. We saw "Edge of Darkness" which was really good! and he has this funny habit of laughing at people dying in crazy ways. and he bought me candy even though I said I didnt want anything. and we just talked.

But my point is, I have this whole new way of looking at the whole wide world. I dont have expectations. I dont want to control anything (partly because I dont even know how much control I have). In five years, I could (maybe hope) to end up in a peds residency in any city in the nation. Houston. Raleigh. Philadelphia. San Antonio. Phoenix. St. Paul....I could become a general pediatrician. or a peds surgeron. or peds infectious disease. or peds ER. or simply ID. or anything. It's easy to not have any expectations when you dont know where you're going.

nothing is as it seems. the good guys might be crummy and the naughty guys may just be the most well mannered guys you've ever met. and i just might be a little lost. but at least I can focus all this attention, all this energy on something other than men. I still want to get married but that seems like a distant thing that will happen one day & I dont have to worry about it now. I cant wait to figure out what i'm suppose to do with all this new attention & time. (right now it's just me & whatever I want) But tomorrow, that will probably be studying. I mean later today. opps. better get some shut eye. cant wait to have cake for breakfast.

Goodnight!

p.s. pics of the week: spring colored cupcakes, claudia roadtrippin', chris crazy for bayoo goo!

Friday-o

Last friday in february!
Thank you february you were pretty great.

On today's plate:
Antiviral Pharmacology
Viral Oncogenesis
Viral Pathogenesis

Houston!
Shopping at the galleria
Celebrating Jessica's bday
Eating dinner at the cheescake factory
Hanging out with Chris

>cute animal photos

Post ID-2 Test

Monday was Test #2 of our Introduction to Disease block. blah.
Afterwards I went home and cleaned house, did laundry, and went shopping :) for clothes and groceries!!!
At home, my roomies and I enjoyed some wine with the prettiest label!



And I tried to burn down the house by cooking about 3 or 4 things at the same time. Then the three of us met a ton of people from school and watched Shutter Island.
Then, quite spontaneously we decided to have everyone back at our house and threw a late nite party! It was soo fun! We played Catch Phrase and went through a couple of bottles of wine. We kicked everyone out around 4am! Hahaha first party I've ever thrown and it was great. Especially memorable were some of Giulia's conversations bahahah!

So on Tuesday morning aka Self-proclaimed Saturday, I slept in until 10 & didnt get out of bed till 11am! Then after doing some searching for JAMA articles, it started to snow around 1!!! SNOW!! in TEXAS!!! :D
It was the best day ever.











So after finally freezing enough to retreat inside, I tried to do some studying. Then for dinner, Samir & I made rainbow pancakes in celebration of National Pancake Day!...and then I returned to studying. It was a super duper day!




And now excuse me, my awesome friend Cari just gave me a red velvet cupcake :)
But check these out!

Poladroid

Cute Jcrew Skinny Cropped pants!

Valetine's Day

I have the best Valetines in the whole wide world...my parents!!

My wonderful mom & dad drove up to see me on Saturday and spoiled me silly!
They bought me chocolates, potted flowers for both my roomies & me, a new comforter, tons of groceries, and a new GRILL!!! (And loads & loads of love <3)
And dinner out at Chili's and pancakes on Sunday morning and cooked me lots of barbecue chicken & red beans and rice to live off of for the next month or so! And they were both supportive of my studying and my upcoming trip to Ecuador. Seriously, the best parents in the whole wide world! I'm always sad to see them go but I love having them here. It was a great weekend, I love getting some unconditional love & just hanging out with them!


P.S. I really really want to cut my hair and have it look like this (clip from Stranger than Fiction)... Ana Pascal= my alter ego hahaha

P.S.S. salsa dancing

The Philadelphia Story

Yesterday, I had a lovely day of lectures, studying in the lru, eating Chiptole and Ben&Jerry's with my funny friends Greg & Alex and studying in the lecture hall...

After 11pm I took off some much needed rest time and drank wine, a dark chocolate raisnets, did some online window shopping and watched the philadelphia story for the 10 billionth time. lovely. absolutely lovely evening!

Right now, I <3
"heart of life" by john mayer
riesling wine
watching SNL's vincent price's christmas special skit

bloggo nuevo

word of the day: kalamazooooo
actually that was yesterday's word, i have yet to come up with todays word...

Goodies:
map of edible food rules

sexually i'm more a switzerland book! = hilarous book of personal ads from the London Times

Listening to clap your hands and say yeah

Thoughts:
These days I feel like I'm swimming in alphabet soup!! Trying to learn all about cytokines & chemokines & diseases!

I hope to find someone who is always interesting. So we can be 30 years older and still love being each others chatty dates

I can't wait to see "Valetines Day" this Saturday (the movie)

This summer, I'm going to ECUADOR!!

A ReallyReallyGreat Day

Today was Thursday, February 11, 2010. It was a really good day in my world!

I woke up a bit sleep deprived but shared some coffee with a funny friend Matt.
I got accepted into a medical summer program to go to Ecuador!!
I have awesome friends that jumped up & down with me and helped me make a fool of myself over this.
I had a very interesting humanities class where I learned to open my mind a bit more (always a good thing as a future doc).
I ate the last bit of my delicious enchilada pie!
Samir & I danced continuous turns in Salsa class #2 today. We both got ridiculously dizzy but it was so fun! Then we went outside and had a snowball fight!
It snowed! (But I drove through slush since it snowed during our class)
I had a super cup of yummy hot chocolate with a ton of marshmallows & cool whip.
And I'm reminded daily how awesome my roomies are (they both called me to make sure I drove home safely).

Today was a really really good day. Hands down, one of the best of the new year!

Funny pictures of my friends in class. Jessica, Carissia & Amber


Mike & Ben

Enchilada Pie!

My car coverd in snow slush!

Hot cocoa! <3

Isn't this map so funny?! From 1988 & still shows the Soviet Union! (in our med school library haha)

Kalamazooo!

I love my dad, this morning he said: hope you have a great day on a gloomy one (great saying! and I hope to!)

This morning I am sitting in an 8am Pediatrics lecture about nutrition in infants/kids/adolescents....half of this is about breast milk and formula while the other half is about obesity. Unfortunately there is white static on my mind this morning because I didn't go to sleep until 1:30am :(

Sooo I'm kind of delirious this morning...I turned off my alarm but got in the shower and kept hearing my alarm go off... in my head....hahaha so I'm having a hard time caring about anything right now. and i'm eating my breakfast oatmeal in a plastic cup. with blacberry harvest yogurt :)yum

Today is Salsa class #2! Yay! Hopefully the freezing rain/ chance of snow won't cancel the class cause Samir & I are working to be better than everyone else in the class...yes I think thats a medical student thing, having to be good at everything...Just kiddding! It's just fun, I don't care about how good or bad I am I just like doing something other than studying!

...okay I'm in my second lecture and McLovin is back...I made it 36 minutes into this lecture before zoning out...not bad except that I skipped the first 10 mins getting coffee with Matt in the LRU. yay for caffeine & friends...but why couldn't class be snowed out today?? Just once?

There is a funny article on the "Science of Love" by the LA Times... biochem= language of love???

oh my gosh McLovin is telling us about a dog he had with a benign cancerous growth...hardy little dog...dogs have the highest rate of cancers he says...thats soo sad :( I love dogs, like this one!

Talking to my organs

I am loving being single.

I really am just enjoying myself right now. Like going to the gym and running till I feel like I'm going to pass out & then feeling so fit afterwards.

Eating whatever I want.



I have been single for all of a month & my roomies tell me I have to beat back the boys with a stick hahaha

Happy thoughts:

Check out these rainbow pancakes and rainbow cake! I really want to make the pancakes :)

Cute earrings at Anthro!

February 3rd!!!

This may go down as one of the best days of the year.
Not for anything that has happened but because this had been my first day of independent happiness. I have not felt lonely today. Sure, I couldn't keep eye contact for too long when I talked to him at lunch today but thats just cause he's still cute. somehow, even without hair hahaha. yay! I have been genuinely happy all day long.

And can I say how cute the JCrew swimsuits are?!
This will be me in Puerto Rico in 6 weeks!!







And look at this cute sweater too! gosh i need money to go shopping...

Post ID-1 Test: Part Dos

So for the better part of the weekend this was my home away from home (away from home haha)...I hide away in our lecture hall to study and sometimes found my friend Samir there too.



The day after the test these were my views...
After studying so hard and with only one afternoon off too enjoy (I was suppose to read for a quiz the next day but seriously?! the day after a test??), we need to party hard. And I did, oh so hard.

After the test I: took a nap, did my laundry, cleaned house & went grocery shopping! Hahaha but my wonderful roomies and I treated ourselves to Olive Garden where we had the best berry Sangria ever with Jessica's fiancee and his two friends! It was like drinking koolaid but for adults lol...we tried not to laugh at Jessica's fiancee's arm in a sling due to a hairline fracture (I know awful but everythings funny with some sangria) and tried not to scare his super quiet and cute friend away. It was a blast :) Afterwards, Giulia and I went a party for "flavor tripping"...

I know this sounds like a 70s LSD party but let me 'splain...there is this berry called miracle fruit that hails from West Africa and when chewed, changes your taste receptors from acidic to sweet! Since there were so many people, we only had a small amount which lasted about 10 minutes but it was soo cool! I had orange juice that tasted like chocolate milk!! haha

Oh and Giulia & I made cake balls! yum!


Today, the first day post test had been fun. I received my white coat with my name stiched on it!! yay it looks so cute :) and one day it will say M.D. behind my name!


In my effort to eat better, I am making enchilada pie! It's a super secret family recipe that I have yet to use (just kidding its super easy but really good!)...here's the dish...


And here's me making it! & playing with my new camera.


Okay, I'm going to try to study now...

Post ID-1 Test: Part 1

This is the first part of my entry for today. I just have to write this stuff down so it will get out of my head & I can take a nap....

I've just finished my first test of our Introduction to Disease Block (the first test of the second semester of medical school, over the curriculum that our M2s did last semester). I have never been so physically exhausted from a test. I studied my entire weekend away, which is normal pre-test but I feel like I haven't studied as hard before...I studied at least 12 hours on Saturday and Sunday each and only slept/ate food the rest of the time. literally. I think the difference this weekend was that we have sooo much more material. About 33 lectures on this test of general, thick slides...last semester I would be able to review information three or four times before a test at least. This time it was more like two or three times. And not because I slacked off, I mean I got dumped, sick twice, and spent a night with a friend in the ER and still managed to go over all my material and stay up-to-date every day.

But it's over.

I'm just so glad it's over. Talking to one of my roomies, she exclaimed that she couldnt imagine being in a relationship at the same time as studying for this test. Which I'm sure is exactly what the boy was thinking....I mean now that I have a feel for the rigors of his curriculum AND throwing Step 1 studying on top of that. That's quite literally why he has been studying himself into the ground. I've seen him studying from 8am-1am, studying through lunch and dinner. Intense.
So I understand. I understand that school comes first, that this is what we all worked soo hard to get into and are working soooooooo much harder to do. I'm in the same boat. I'm just scared that its never going to get easier, then when do you have time for anything else?

But I know, sometime I will. Just not now. In clinical rotations, your quality of life gets better, so I've heard. So for now, this is what I have to deal with. We are all working for long-term fulfillment, not short-term happiness. Delayed gratification.
I think I am just lonely. I'm kinda used to having someone around. I like hanging out with myself but I thought I could balance being with myself and in a relationship pretty well. But things are at a whole different level now. I HAVE to be selfish. I HAVE to work for nothing else than my goal of getting an MD. At least until 3rd year...because thats what its going to take to succeed.
I'm sure thats what he realized too. Thats why this is messy. He knew it was for the best but was still sad about breaking it off. He still likes me. I still like him. But he doesn't want to half-*** it because it wouldnt be fair to either of us. And I agree. It's just bad timing.

And so I'll be a fool and keep liking him (I tried to stop, it didn't work). And I won't date anyone else during medical school. At least not till third year. It's hard because I'm such a loving person. I have this need to hug. But I'll have to focus on my roomies for that. And hanging out with friends. And maybe getting a dog. (Claudia gets lots of hugs)

---And maybe things would be different if it was the right guy. Or maybe it is just the timing thing. It just needs to be the right time. Either way i'm physically, intellectually, and emotionally tired. So, I'm going to take a nap. Then I'll report back on baking & shopping & "flavor tripping". Night