It's 1:05am and I'm lying in bed, very happy with life.
This is new.
Where I'm at in life is new (i know its always changing) but
The way I think is new.
I'm not quite sure when it occurred but sometime after the breakup, after having a bad January, I had a wonderful February (And today is officially the last day in this February!) ...and now I think all about me. I think about what I want. what my future is. what i want to do. it's a very new way of thinking for me.
But i'm loving it. I'm doing things that I've want but to a whole new level. I am sooo independent and confident. I am learning my limits but also who I really am. I know what I'm capable of in medical school but also what my strengths are as a person, outside of class. I'm also learning what I really want. which is strange when you thought you knew what you wanted all along. I used to have this idea of my mentality, of my personality that has lately proven to be different than what I really act on. interesting.
I know that was all very abstract because you (who ever you are) are not me. but this week was fantastic.
Monday- test + Shutter Island
Tuesday- party from 12am-4ish am. slept in. SNOW! colorful pancakes.
Wednesday- class from 10-3pm. some other stuff. baked cupcakes?
Thursday- class 9-noon. Dinner at Dr Gastels' house = incredible food! salsa dancing. period.
Friday- class 10-noon (turned off my alarm in my sleep & missed the 9am). Houston!= shopping, eating, more eating, lots of laughing, midnight driving.
Saturday- slept in till 10am. Went to the grocery store wearing yellow heels. Volunteered with CMSA to give free eye exams. Baked Jessica's red velvet bday cake. Grilled hotdogs/veggies with the girls. Ate cake. Went to the movies with my ex. date style.
But here's the best part. I'm not expecting anything. from anyone. The possibilities are endless about what could happen tomorrow. and i can do anything. I could get up and go to Houston. or Austin. I could go study all day and end up as a pediatric surgeon. I could eat cake for breakfast. I could meet the love of my life. I could adopt a dog. I could break a leg. ....there are possibilities i can't even think of.
And tonight with him was fun. And while I gave up long ago trying to figure him out, I am happy with tonight. If nothing more happens then that would alright. I'm happy for just hanging out tonight. We saw "Edge of Darkness" which was really good! and he has this funny habit of laughing at people dying in crazy ways. and he bought me candy even though I said I didnt want anything. and we just talked.
But my point is, I have this whole new way of looking at the whole wide world. I dont have expectations. I dont want to control anything (partly because I dont even know how much control I have). In five years, I could (maybe hope) to end up in a peds residency in any city in the nation. Houston. Raleigh. Philadelphia. San Antonio. Phoenix. St. Paul....I could become a general pediatrician. or a peds surgeron. or peds infectious disease. or peds ER. or simply ID. or anything. It's easy to not have any expectations when you dont know where you're going.
nothing is as it seems. the good guys might be crummy and the naughty guys may just be the most well mannered guys you've ever met. and i just might be a little lost. but at least I can focus all this attention, all this energy on something other than men. I still want to get married but that seems like a distant thing that will happen one day & I dont have to worry about it now. I cant wait to figure out what i'm suppose to do with all this new attention & time. (right now it's just me & whatever I want) But tomorrow, that will probably be studying. I mean later today. opps. better get some shut eye. cant wait to have cake for breakfast.
Goodnight!
p.s. pics of the week: spring colored cupcakes, claudia roadtrippin', chris crazy for bayoo goo!
